I've moved!

Please, if you will; after scrolling down and reading the last post on Theological Studies, join me at my new home at Secular Transcendence. I am not deleting Theological Studies, you are more than welcome to visit at any time, however I will not be posting there any longer as God has called me onto another path. I have also reopened my old blog, Alive and Kicking for those who might want to reminisce about my hedonistic days ;-) In all seriousness, I am attempting to draw a timeline of who I was before to who I am now in the hopes of glorifying God in a way He has called me to do.

Watching the Tree Limbs

I don't know why but for some reason I have had this concrete desire to write in the form of surveys. It seems to help me get my thoughts in order - to articulate them in some form of bullet point essaying - otherwise everything is scattered in shards. My emotions have been leaping around in varying degrees of talent; from melodramatic episodes to paranoid delusions. From "The Depths of Despair!" to "Wings of Desire."

I haven't had spells like this in a while...At least not since before I started the Living Beyond Yourself Bible Study. Before I knew I belonged to Someone. Before I realized I didn't have to be afraid of death, because I was no longer doomed to spend an eternity in maddening agony. Before I found my true voice. Before I understood that I could know things. Before I could forgive.

I can't really say what exactly triggered these episodes, perhaps stress, perhaps exhaustion, perhaps my environment - people I'm associating with. Maybe I allowed my ears to be opened to the lies again, the evil voices that are wont to discard my Holy memories. I do believe it is all of the above.

I am feeling whole again. Today. I am feeling much more like myself. A little tired, I feel as if I've awoken from a terrible dream that haunted me throughout the duration of a long coma. I've been negligent and abominable. I've been judgmental and haughty. Arrogant and cynical. I've been morose and melancholy. In short, I have been out of control.

I didn't just wake up to everything being OK today. I woke up to a fight with my husband, to a day of laying around feeling sorry for myself. Eating more than I needed. No, my recovery was no random event as I can pinpoint the moment the healing started.

Last Monday I took my brother to a doctor's appointment to see his neurosurgeon. I dropped him off at the front door and even though he was unable to describe to me where to go (Because I had to park the car and enter from the other side) I decided that as long as I knew what floor he was on and the doctor's name I could find him.

It took 1/2 hour to find a parking spot and another ten minutes to walk to the hospital. I found the only waiting room I could find on the first floor and went in to find him. I didn't see him, so figuring (Actually hoping) he was still in the office and not roaming around looking for me I spotted a box with books in it.

The foremost part of the box sported a little piece of paper with the words "Help yourself to a book. Return it or pass it on," printed in bold with a black marker. I shuffled through the books, most of them being old westerns (Which I didn't think I'd be too interested in reading), one chick-lit book - The Pink Slip or something or other, and Watching the Tree Limbs by Mary E. Demuth. I had never heard of her and it was a mighty thick book but something about it just kind of grabbed me. The publisher was NAVPRESS, which also sparked my interest if you know what I mean. I had never read a Christian fiction book in my entire life.

My tastes roam around science fiction and dark literature. I have been a fan of Ray Bradbury and Chuck Palahniuk for years now. Most of the stories I read do not have happy endings. More often than not, the endings have left me aching and angry.

Watching the Tree Limbs is a semi-autobiographical story about a child without a name, without a past. A child who's story is so sad and horrid that one could not possibly imagine it to turn out well. Not without God. To quote the description on the back of the book, "Written in beautiful prose and set against the backdrop of the quirky town of Burl, Texas, Watching the Tree Limbs takes us on a journey through a young girl's self-discovery and reveals the lengths to which God will go to redeem His precious children."

It has taken me almost a week to finish the book, because I have only had a chance to read it in increments of twenty minutes or so here and there but today I had all day and within a few hours I had finished the last half of the book. Stopping at various passages to meditate on an idea or little snippet of dialogue that touched me I felt the hand of God reach down and cup my face up to tell me, "Now, do you remember child? You are Mine. You need not worry about anything because I've got it all under control."

See, I had forgotten. I had shut my eyes to Him everywhere, to His whispers in everything. I got wrapped up in this Earthly mess we call life and just plain forgot to stop thinking for myself. I forgot what it felt to be free. I forgot to let the Spirit take over. It happens to me. I don't know why, but it does. How quickly everything just falls to pieces when that happens. But how quickly it all comes together when I remember.

I thank you God for leading me to this book. I thank you Ms. Demuth for not being afraid to share your story, for reminding me that I have a purpose in life, probably not unlike your own but more importantly for reminding me that I'm His and He loves me and will never, ever forget me.

THURSDAY THIRTEEN

Ok, it's a little late, but oh well. And yeah, I was too lazy to use a code for the T13 heading. Anyways:

THIRTEEN QUESTIONS I'D ASK GOD IF I COULD

1. Why is it that if I don't read the bible or something close to it daily my life completely falls apart? I mean, say I do a bible study one night, the next day I feel great and everything is in synch and I don't make stupid mistakes and people are nice and it is all just perfect. Like reading the bible gives me super powers or something to change myself and my surroundings in an instant.

Unfortunately those powers need to be recharged every day because if I don't do it the next night - or whatever, then the NEXT day totally sucks. Everything just falls apart. I can't seem to keep a smile on my face, everything that everyone does irritates me, I am clumsy as all get out, I break stuff, etc.

2. Why is it that when people become born again Christians they become major finger-pointers? I'm guilty too. I'm not just complaining about other people here. We all do it, we've all done it and we'll all do it again. However, I think newborns seem to be more likely to do so.

3. Why does politics get mixed up in our Christianity? Why does a "Liberal Christian" have to vote democratic every. Single. Time, no matter who's running? (It goes vice-versa too). Why do Christians who vote republican roll their eyes when they see "hippies?" Why can't we all just get along? Do you really care if someone doesn't like George Bush? Do you really care if Al Gore made a two hour power-point presentation about global warming? Does anyone's political opinion matter when it comes right down to it? Why do we focus on it so much? Are we as humans just so petty and aggressive - even as Christians - we need to create some sort of trivial, petty conflict over just about anything?

4. Why is the Bible always translated into Greek before English?

5. Why would a Christian man hire a self-proclaimed Satanist (With 666 tattooed on his neck and a pentagram drawn on the palm of his hand) to work craft service at his coffee shop? Especially when the only other people who work there are Christian women?

6. Why do people dumpster-dive? I understand that there's a lot of waste in the world and perhaps people shouldn't consume so much so that there wouldn't be so much thrown away. I understand that people could donate all their excess food to homeless people instead of tossing it in the trash. I can even understand perhaps trash digging and taking what you find to local homeless people that hang out in front of Seven-eleven. What I don't understand is why one would dumpster-dive and keep the food for themselves. Especially if they have a job, and it isn't like they're donating their money to homeless people or whatever. There I go...Finger pointing.

7. Why do some Christian women do whatever their boyfriend or any other man in the world says? I mean, aren't we supposed to only yield to our husband's wishes? I know we aren't supposed to teach men, but do we have to do whatever they say too? I'm sorry, but obeying my husband is all this recovering feminist can handle at this point in time.

8. What is wrong with recycling? Is that soo liberal that now I'm a hippie? I shower, I wear shoes (Mostly), I don't write letters to the president, I don't trip on Acid (Anymore). What is so wrong with trying to just conserve a little bit?

9. Why are there so many denominations (How weird, I initially typed "demonations") of the Church? Does it matter? Am I any less of a Christian if I'm Lutheran instead of Methodist? What makes one a party of one denomination and not the next?

10. Why does one family suffer so much tragedy and heart ache when the one right next door has had nothing but generations of happiness?

11. Why does my mom have to tell everyone she meets that my brother's disease is from a recessive gene. Normally people will just say, "Oh," and move on, but sometimes someone will ask her what that means and she has to say with all the self-satisfaction of the cat who ate the canary, "It means that there was incest in the family. My father's parents were cousins. They're love was forbidden Scotland so they fled to America."

For one thing, I doubt their love was forbidden anywhere, I mean, cousins have been marrying each other (Especially in Europe), for like, ever. Secondly, why do perfect strangers have to know about my grandparents secret, forbidden love anyways? I mean, I'm not ashamed or anything like that, love is love and I don't believe it caused a recessive gene anyways. What gets me is that my mom insists on living with all the drama of a VC Andrews novel. It makes people uncomfortable. She totally doesn't see that. OK, I'm finger-pointing again. See, told you.

12. Why do I have to pay for bible study or Christian retreats or anything that would help me grow in your word better?

13. Why can't I be more motivated to just sit down and read the Bible? Front to back, instead of reading everything else.

You all must think I've lost my mind. Everyone keeps saying they'll pray for me, but do we all know for what? I mean, why do I need prayers? I haven't lost my faith. I haven't become suicidal. I'm not violent or in crisis.

I'm just so moody though. Seriously, I go from laughing hysterically one minute to being so irritable and paranoid that I think everyone is talking about me behind my back (To the point where I think they stop talking and look at me with a "I wish you'd leave," look in their eyes). Is it stress? Am I eating something that screws with my brain? Do I just need another bible study? I don't know what's up with me. I'm sorry if I'm being a downer. Lord knows you all have had so much more than me to deal with. I'm just being selfish. I'm sorry.

A meme (Stolen from Rachel) to get my mind off of the fact that I'm being totally unreliable right now

1. Would you consider yourself to be flamboyant or fairly conservative?
Neither. I can be slightly eccentric at times in comparison to your average conservative, but I don't know, really I'm confused with the whole labeling system.

2. What is the most flamboyant thing about your appearance?
That I have large breasts and I don't hide them behind layers and layers of clothing...I just get too hot and stinky...Sorry, can't do it.

3. Do you secretly wish you were more flamboyant? In what way?
I'm grateful that I'm not flamboyant as I see flamboyant. Which would be like wearing tons of make up, lots of jewelry and really loud clothing. (Loud as in bright colors and/or shocking patterns).

4. Where is the line between flamboyant and tacky for you?
Rachel's answer was so perfect, I'm going to have to steal it. "I don't know. For some people to do a certain thing would just be part of their nature; for someone else to do the same thing it might be tacky. So maybe the line has to do with genuineness? No, because there are some things that I think are truly tacky no matter what the attitude of the person is. Not that I would announce such a thing. I know how it feels to be the tacky one and have people make an issue of it. Live and let live, tacky or not, is my fashion philosophy in a nutshell."

From Friday's Feast --

What's the funniest dream you can remember having?
I don't think I've ever had a funny dream. My dreams are either bizarre and random or horribly horrifying.

If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
Again, I'm going to have to go with Rachel's answer...There's a reason we're kindred spirits ;-) "I would be a mutt. A shaggyish, gangly, loving, friendly mutt." Although, I'd have to say I wouldn't be gangly...I'd be one of those homeless mutts that gets fed by like everyone in the neighborhood so although I'm homeless, I'm still totally fat ;-)

Continue this sentence: "I get confused when..."
People are really nice to me and tell me how much they like me then talk about me behind my back. Totally warps my brain...Can't really deal with it, never have been able to but I'm praying for the strength to do so. I also get confused when there's more than two numbers involved with like anything.

Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing.
Just two? I am supposed to be taking my mom grocery shopping right now but I'm sitting here at the computer. Also, I should have taken a poop like an hour ago but for some reason I've been holding it. Only God knows why so don't ask me.

When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
Anthony took me to Macaroni Grill for dinner last night. I got to "Create my own pasta," it was marvelous. Thank you Anthony ;-)

Praying for my soul

I feel weathered and worn, torn from the inside - outside I'm shiny to see.
High hopes and fettering dreams yet an unsubsiding sadness hammers at me.
Not like me, this is not me, I don't recognize myself today.

Where are you Lord? Don't leave me alone again. Please don't let me learn one more lesson...I've not the heart for it. I just want peace, of mind of soul.
No more voices behind my back, no more secrets please, I just want peace. I just want a shred of honesty. I just need a little loyalty. Please, take care of me - someone, take care of me.

I want to be new, I want to be a child. I want to crawl onto the bosom of my mother and have my hair caressed by the hand of love.

Lord I'm so tired. I'm so very tired. Just give me five minutes of peace, that's all I ask. Just give me one person who is pure. One person who I can believe to be true.

Lord I'm honored that you've chosen me to be a caretaker. I'm happy to do your good works. But would it be too much to ask for a little time off? I could use a vacation. I could use a little "me" time.

I'm sensing that isn't in the cards though. I'm sensing that I need to resign myself. I'm sensing that I no longer exist. I know I'm your puppet and although I know you love me dearly, and you're grateful for my love for you - I just need you to make me happy that you're pulling the strings.

Why is it OK for everyone else to be selfish and demanding and moody and sad and tired, but as soon as my smile escapes me, as soon as I try to rest, as soon as I say no or ask please - I'm suddenly the weak one. I'm suddenly the selfish one. I'm suddenly lazy and unwilling to do my part.

Lord, what I ask you right now, right here, on my knees, drowing in my tears is this: Give me grace. Help me to always be happy to do your work. Teach me to trudge up the hills with a smile on my face so that I might teach others to find joy in your glory. Wake me up Lord because I'm falling asleep here and I need a little help.

Forgive me for my anger and irritation. Forgive me for not forgiving others. Forgive me for wallowing in this secular sesspool. Forgive me for my insolence, for not being patient with those who try to tell me what they think is best for me.

Forgive me for judging those I think are immature, irresponsible or insensitive. It is not for me to say, only for you. All I have a right to do is love and share your generous joy. Please give me the strength to continue to do so. Please God give me the strength to smile, to listen without preoccupation. Give me the strength to keep my mouth shut - to not talk about myself anymore. My crazy life means nothing in the whole scheme of things...I don't know why I continue to think it does. Let me listen to someone else's stories for once.

Lord give me the strength to not ask mere humans for help. You are the only one I should turn to. It is nobody else's responsibility to make me happy. Please turn my co-dependency into dependency on you.

Thank you for my health and putting me in a position that helps me to help others. When I've made someone happy it is like seeing you smile back at me with thanks. Continue blessing me with these opportunities.

God bless the whole world. God bless all the neglected children and all the lonely women and all the good, good men who don't get a chance with anyone. God bless the homeless and rejected. God bless the madmen and women who just don't know any better. Let us all calm our minds and step outside ourselves and work together in harmony with justice and grace.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I AM THIRTY cont.

Scroll down to see part one of this post.

The winners of the best mid-seventies outfit, Amy and her boyfriend (I'm so sorry, I forgot his name!)

My birthday cake. I must say even though I was extremely disapointed in how the night turned out, there is nothing like hearing a choir of 20 people singing just for you. Such talent! The voices carried and filled my heart with love and my eyes with tears. God is good and it feels great to be loved.

I am terribly sorry to expose myself to y'all, but this was the only picture taken of me that night that didn't make me look like I gained 20 pounds instead of losing ten. Chrissy snapped this as I blew my candles out. I just wanted to show you my disco dress. I made the sash myself out of red, sequined material.

So, that is all the photos I have that I wish to share - of a party that won't be going down in history.

In other news, one of the girls at the Roaster quit so I got more hours and now I don't have to find a second job. God is good to me all the time. I just wish I could see that all the time.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

I really feel like I haven't blogged in months. I know it has only been a few weeks, I think the longest I've been away. From the computer. I WISH I'd been away.

So I'm thirty. 30. THIRTY. I had my party. My "Year I Was Born," party. It just happened to be 119 degrees that night with 90% humidity. So cool. Yeah, it was great. Everyone left. My decorations are still up...Didn't have the heart to take them down. They were just too cool. The food was great, the decorations were perfect, I created the playlist of the century. Unfortunately the guests melted and disappeared within an hour.

Here are some photos:

This is the "den," which is basically an extension of the living room with no wall separation. The management company calls it a den though. We had 96 balloons all over the place, strings of flashing Christmas lights, shiny silver and cobalt blue streamer things hanging from the ceiling and...

...50 ft of this party scene wall hanging stuff. Made it look like there were silhouetted clones of people dancing in the background in my apartment.

Not a very good photo, but at least you get to see some of the lights and streamers. I don't know why, but one of the string of lights weren't on here.

Here is one of the winners of the best 70's outfit winners. You can't see him very well because the point of the picture was to show off the pretty lights, not his costume.

Now blogger is smoking crack again, so I'll have to post the rest of the pictures in another post.